This Is Everything.

Follow My New Twitter.

2010-06-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

http://twitter.com/xSchr0dyx

Because the old one started acting like a fucking whore & won't let me sign in anymore... "/

Diggin' this place right now.

2010-06-01T02:49:00.001-07:00

http://schrodyzonthemoon.tumblr.com/

"If A Lie's Gonna Get Me Through...

2010-05-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

I'd rather not know the truth.

If the truth's gonna make me cry,

I'd rather just live a lie..."

Baby.

2010-05-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Off My Chest.

2010-05-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Just a few things I need to get out. Mental frustrations I have with ignorant situations that people just don't seem to even recognize. Like if I think your doing something unnecessary at a certain time, you know it's ignorant. Because I'm the type to meet your grandmother & say whatsup bitch.... so here goes.

Let's start with the black people. Yup, I'm generalizing... so the fuck what that's how I feel like explaining it since I don't feel like calling out specific people. Anyways, I'm tired of being in a room or group of people & being apart of the 3 percent of black people that are present. Only because when one starts talking about a certain thing, everyone is looking at ALL of us like we think that way. We're sitting here talking about the economy & all types of things intelligently, & here you go yapping about how black people have it harder than any body else. Not with any type of fact, or basis to back up your statement. On some " Black people don't gets recognized like dey should." Ew -_-. Get your shit together. This is a whole different era of opportunity. Your at where your at because of your choices, not because your black. On top of that, how do you not see that your making the entire room uncomfortable & uneasy? Smfh.

Stop acting like no other races have been through some type of genocide of terrible government/'white man' take down. We we're on fields, not in prisons filled with gas to slowly kill us, & baking in ovens. Not that the extent of what happened to anyone else is more or less extreme, but shit happens. Better yet, shit happened! So make something better of yourself now... because you can. You live in the hood because you choose to have a child with a nigga in prison & hop up on welfare at the age of 17. Your choices (or your generation of family, because some people are born into these types of situations) make you. Success is possible. This ridiculous idea of wealth & complete fame & shit is something that is not really tangible at all, but you don't have to be at the bottom of the totem pole for the rest of your life. Pass that blunt in a permanent different direction of yourself. Put the 40 ounce bottle down. & stop trying to see how much money you can get from the SSI building. Enroll in a class or two. Educate yourself so your not just talking to talk.

Hmm, what else? Oh ok. You stupid ass men. You stupid ass boys really.

I feel stupid for even wasting my time trying to figure out if whether or not you being drunk means what you said had some type of truth to it, or if it meant you were just talking out of your ass. It might be the thought that the bullshit factor was a definite, but you knew you weren't getting any vagina for sure... so I can't see why you'd go through the motions. I want to believe it, because I feel like it's the closest conversation we've ever had towards any type of closure... but uhm, I guess it really doesn't matter. 'Cause when your sober it's all the same. I can't stand you, you can't stand me. Lust straight up.

"It's just so warm, & wet... PLEASE?" ... awww babyboy. You should have thought of that before you played me like a dumb bitch. Your bad. That was kind of explicit so I guess I'll end things here.

School was amazing this week, & job interview tomorrow morning.

& RIP Teddy. "( The most thugged out dog I've ever met. I love you bear & I'm going to miss you. I remember the first time I held you I was thizzed, & you fit right in my palm, & you turned into such a big little doggy!

'Night.

Well....

2010-04-25T01:52:00.000-07:00

I lied to you tonight. I told you I'd wait up & still try & come through. Well, I lied. I'm going to sleep. & it feels so good to know you think otherwise. I will probably still come another time... but as of now I'm fine where I'm at & your penis just isn't that serious... tonight.

Check It Out.

2010-04-23T01:13:00.000-07:00

RudeBoyInstrumental... Me&theLilBro.

On my youTubular channellette.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3yh8MqGxr8

Love Me, Touch Me.

2010-04-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

Fill my voids.

I put them there especially for you.

How exactly they got there are only a bunch of stories that we just shouldn’t go through.

But I picture me next to you, candlelight flame blue.

‘Cause orange & red are lustful burnings, & I’d like to share something that’s true.

I still want to get intimate, but you look afraid to touch me.

You can tell I lie to myself, so why would I expect you to trust me?

My first time, he rushed me... so tonight, just love me.

Look in my eyes like you could care less about the rest of me.

I know I made you nervous when I put your hand there to rub me.

& I apologize because it was really impatient of me.

But thats something we can work on, I’m willing as long as you are to.

Show me that feelings don’t have to be unorganized plans that always fall through.

Be as real as possible, wait maybe not to sincere.

I tend to flea the scene if word of mouth says something stable is heading near.

Maybe if you lie to me, yeah that would make me comfortable.

I’m a lost deviant soul, I hope that doesn’t make you to uncomfortable.

Waterfalls.

2010-04-20T20:44:00.001-07:00

"I know that your gonna have it your way, or nothing at all.... but I think your moving to fast."

Slightly Angered.

2010-04-19T01:50:00.000-07:00

This is a public service announcement for 93.5 percent of females in the world.

You guys are basic as fuck. Some of you as far as looks go, but mostly in the head. Stop thinking your better than other people because you don't cuss, smoke ciggz, & or openly talk about your sex life. You have no sense of humor, your boring, & your still most likely just as much of a fucking hoe as I am but you just won't admit it. If your running for elected office, then maybe I understand why you care so much about your "image" , or are trying so hard to hold on to your "morals".... but let's face reality, you lack the supposed intelligence necessary for all of that, & nobody fucking cares about you that much.

Your intimidated by my intelligence, so you try & throw me under the bus for my raunchy like ways... but your only proving that your unable to prove anything other than the fact that I'm still smarter. & that's not confidence speaking, that's pure cockiness you fucking mark ass bitches.

& it's not just internet talk either, I am ready & willing to physically fuck all of you up anytime anyplace.

Shoutout to anyone that thinks I'm the same punk bitch I was at Portola. I've been angry for the past 4 or 5 years about everything in my life & I can't WAIT to physically vent on any bitch or nigga that crosses my path sideways. None of you know me, you never will, so shut the fuck up & roll me a blunt, & make my fat ass a fucking sandwich.

Goodnight, love you.

Free.

2010-04-17T00:44:00.000-07:00

We just want to feel free of obligation. We don't want to converse, or figure out who we really are. We just want lay around with our hearts racing, clothes off, & deeply absorbed in lyrics & bags of dorritos. 'Cause it really just feels right. We might be capable of doing more things with our lives, but no success compares to the feeling of complete freedom you have while being temporarily unconscious.

Afraid To Dream.

2010-04-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

If I have ONE MORE, psychotic ass, life threatening like dream... I will be officially giving up sleep. I mean c'mon, it's come to the point that I wakeUP in cold sweats, with a racing heartbeat & it's just not right. Earthquakes, & rapists, & fire bombs, & just shit that is to realistic. I mean I'd feel bad for myself if I was dreaming fictional terrors... I'm a grown ass woman. However, this whole series of possible events up in my cranium has me all fucked.

I figure I'll attempt sleep now...Journalism Test tomorrow that he's letting me makeUp (thank you Jesus?), early wake for Philosophical readings to catch up on for class.

& oh yeah....I have found the ultimate motivation within today... to get away from all the negativity. Shout out to my mother for giving me a part of her misery to live in every day.

Falling asleep to KushxXxOrangexXxJuice.

But aren't we all? Mmm. The WorldWideWeb, we're all caught in it.

Shit Happens.

2010-04-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes your going to wake up in an unfamiliar bedroom & not be able to find your pants. Your going to have to take that walk of shame down Hollywood Blvd. & take that young redline home. Might even run into people you know that will want to know where your pants are just as much as you do. Sometimes your going to go through things with people & never find any type of closure. Your dog might not eat your homework, but very well might piss on that shit. Sometimes your going to fall asleep naked 'cause you think nobody's home & disturb a family member when they walk through your door during your midday nap. Sometimes you will come across a boy that doesn't believe in giving head (notice *boy, 'cause real men eats it.) They might even have the nerve to want some becky their damnselves. It might rain the day after you get your hair done, or be really hot... there goes those edges. One day your going to make a decision to permanently change your appearance & your not going to like it. Some nights your going to get faded & smash the homies. Then the next night you might get faded & tell the new homies your old business that you never wanted them to know. A party might get shot up, & you might run in the wrong direction. Sometimes your going to have to take a crucial ass shit in a public restroom & be really uncomfortable. Might even be hella irritated that it smells as if someone has already beat you to it. Sometimes he's going to love her & lust for you. & sometimes he's going to like you, be thirsty as fuck, & your going to feel like that other nigga that loves that other bitch, for telling the thirsty nigga you don't want him. Sometimes your iTunes is going to be on shuffle & you'll come across a song that you thought you had... but it will be a dude saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." You might get stranded in the cold, or have to wait on someone forever & be pissed. You might be stuck at a bus stop & get a sunburn, & be angry with yourself because you thought that since you were black that you didn't burn. Your bad.

There isn't some silver lining in the cloud for this one... I'm simply saying that shit happens. Not that any of this has ever happened to me... I was just saying.

Night.

The four lettered word.

2010-04-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Now, I completely understand when people say that they love somebody but aren't in love with the person.... but why does the word get thrown around so damn much? It's so misleading, & the more it's used, the less it means.

I'm guilty as charged of telling people I love them when I know I don't even know them ....but it just seems like what your supposed to say. It's a nice way to end a conversation, & gives you a false type of security when heard. I mean there are people in my life that I really fucking love, but uhh I don't know about some of ya'll. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't take me to seriously.

It all started for me in my thizzing days I guess. Who don't you love then? Pwahaha. But it seems to have followed me, I used to take pride in saying that when I tell someone I love them I'm going to mean it. 10th grade I used to even go as far as to say that I wouldn't even kiss someone if I wasn't sure I cared about them endlessly. I've completely lost myself & I wish I wouldn't have.

Because now love & or being in love has nothing to do with touching, holding, caring, kissing, sexing or any of that. So what is there left for love to be for me? Nothing. It has become nonexistent in my world, so just don't believe me if I ever say it.

All I have to say is big ups to the people that were able to hold on to all of their morals regardless of what lifestyle they found themselves living in. 'Cause no matter how much I say I don't give a fuck, I wish I would have. If I could do it all over again my innocence would be the only thing I never ever gave away.

Stay up.

Speak Your Mind Friday.

2010-04-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's Speak Your Mind Friday, that means you say exactly what you feel. Uncut. Without any remorse for anybody, not even yourself. So let's get going.

It really fucking sucks that I have so much to say but when it comes to this blogg shit, it's just all out the window. Perhaps I should light a cigarette & move this thought function of mine outside?

Ok that's better. Well for starters, shame on me for falling back into the whole, "going to hang out with a nigga that could give two fucks about my dumb ass" thing. It ended up being a real cool night, just a lot of random awkward thoughts ran through my head here and there. Basically just reflecting on the things that took place between the two of us, the situations he's put me in, & how I can honestly say that he changed my life drastically. It sucks being the type of female that is aware of what she's doing at all times and just feeling flat out stupid for placing myself back in the same situations over & over again. it's always when I'm almost at my best that I relapse to. I swear I love him to, he will never even come close to saying some shit like that about me though.However, I haven't had sex in a cool minute so it was worth it. Hey I'm just being honest.

On the other hand there's someone willing to treat me right, & I just can't see myself ever really being like that with him. I don't know why, I just don't. Maybe it's the fact that he's to serious? I'm not used to all of that realness, and I don't know if I really want to be. I want the attention, but not the commitment. I really just don't ever see myself being in a relationship. Yet whenever I'm with someone that I know is using me I can't help but want to lay there with them forever. & I get easily annoyed with the thought of dude sometimes, but really digg his personality. He's a cool dude, but like... a friend kind of cool. Somethings wrong with me in the head, but it's alright I'm still functioning.

As far as school, it's ridiculously amazing. I've ran into people that I just vibe with & have found myself just in pure love with. It's refreshing to have a new cypher you know? I'm trying hard to hold on to every one from the past but I'm not even sure if that's a good idea anymore. It's not like any of us are on bad terms, it's just different. Everybody changes, 'cause sometimes you just don't want to be around the people that actually know the dark shit your trying to move past. There has been a small problem I've ran into at school though, & it's hating ass judgemental females. All I can say about that is that I'm a new person, in other words I do not give a fuck. I will kill you.

I love my classes, I'm learning & furthering my intelligence on a lot of different levels. It feels great. Living so far away from school though, and being apart of the bus riders union for life club makes things difficult sometimes. I'm dealing though, because shit really could be worse. & even if things do get worse in this household, I'm still alive, fed, & sheltered.

Extra cash would be nice though, a job would complete me, it really fucking would. My time would be completely occupied and I would have money in my pocket for the fuck of it. Being broke is not a joke but the shit will get you laughed at. Lmao, just kidding, just kidding. In all seriousness though once I get a phone things will go a lot more smoothly to. Being able to be in contact with people, & not having to touch nasty ass pay phones anymore would be euphoric.

I finally have my computer game fully loaded & it is going great. The formatting on everything from papers to picture editing is sexual. Building up my iTunes is just about a bitch though. I've been re-doing the shit so many times it gets frustrating, but music really is the only thing I have sometimes. Oppose to writing, but I'm tired of sitting down & touching the pen to the paper & immediately having something to say about a nigga. I really need to step my shit all the way up, 'cause these niggas out here aren't worth my skill! Pwahha.

I completed my resume & printed a grip of 'em out so tomorrow I'm in the Tujunga/Glendale streets with it on some, employ me now type shit.

What else is on my mind? You'll have to excuse the randomness, but its speak my mind Friday, I have to do it. For the hood. You know this.

Speaking of the hood, yesterday I'm on the Crenshaw busline & a bunch of like turnt up niggas got on the bus. It was an assortment of boys/girls and I guess one of the girls had a previous problem with one of the niggas she ran into on the bus & it just got ridiculously live from that point. The boys she were with were pressing the fck out of the nigga, hit him in the face, took his chain... & the bus just kept tootin' along down the road. Next thing I know there's like 7 police cars, two choppers and police telling everyone to get off the bus and line up against the fencing to be searched. Like, are you fucking serious. Is it even legal to search people like that? I really need to know my rights because I just felt like it was bullshit. Holding me up from what the fuck I have to do, & just annoying. Tell me why the nigga that got robbed was crying though, I'ma need him to man the fuck up! Shouldn't have called the female a bitch if you weren't man enough to handle the consequences. Some people just don't play, point blank. Anyways...

I really wish I could take care of myself again. Like, survive without the help of my family. Sometimes I just really don't enjoy being here. & it's not my mother, it's not my brothers, it's this mexican ass, control freak, ocd, rude, disrespectful ass man that she is with. There's no getting out of the situation, so I guess we're all just in it together. It's a lot more complicated then you'd be able to understand, but the shits just fucked. I love being my mothers best friend, and love being my brothers sister, but I would love to be comfortable and happy. I guess it's all just motivation to get somewhere in life so I can make it happen for all of us, but that's some far ass future dream shit... & I'm facing the troubles now.

My eyes are getting low, I've had small amounts of sleep within the past 24 hours and tomorrow has to be productive so I have to go. I will be back tomorrow, later today, whatever you want to call it. I love my blogg, I just have to get back into the groove of it. I have to much to say to leave this shit in active. I will leave the last paragraph to be in the hands of the free roaming tips of my fingers and close out SYMF the way it should be.

I love the way Tupac talks shit on his tracks, it's ridiculously sexual. It's annoying how females get hella followers on twitter for constantly being naked, I'm not a hater or anything... do what you want... but why is that the only things that people are so focused on? My oldest brother is like a genius with a social disease, & my youngest brother still is counting on his fucking fingers while being in middle school. Something ain't right. Proud to say my mother birthed out one perfect child ;D Lol. It really hurts me to see my brother jerking & turning into the rejecting ass nigga he is. Are there jerking intervention people that could help me? I'm sure there isn't but oh well. Ever since I had a conjuctile infecton in my eye like 3 months ago my vision and eyes have been all fucked up. & I wash my face every fucking morning, so when someone tells me I have sleep in my eye I just want to rip the whole eyeball out for being so damn productive of fluids Hmm, what else?. It sucks when people pass on horrible attributes to their children. Like ridiculous foreheads. Your child can't even being cute as I child because your ugly ass just had to reproduce, spare the children. My throats dry. I need to clean my room. My toes are pink, my fingers are gold, & I did it myself so they're not perfect, but it's better than nothing I guess. Wish me luck on my job quest tomorrow.

Have sex, do drugs, take shots, & smile while you cry... just make sure you get your homework done. Wrap it up when you put it under her tree, but if she wants her gift unwrapped give it to that hoe. Beware of the critters on the branches though. Night.

Ay yo.

2010-03-12T23:28:00.000-08:00

That's Just The Way It Is.

2010-02-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

Speak Your Mind Friday post later on. Mhmm.

4Loco&KingCobra.

2010-02-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

Please help me understand, because I'm not sure if I'm out of place,
Why do we hold on to thoughts, of memories we pretended that we erased,
Never to be discussed, so the situation holds no closure,
It's hard to keep your head high, when your mind holds no real composure,
Our priorities will never match, we will never consider each other the same,
Your efforts remain non-existent, yet my love for you remains,
Alcohol has the tendency to make people believe they're close,
So our sober day to day experiences, just weren't what mattered most,
The need of a signifigant other is only human, but I'm sorry you were blind,
To the fact that I needed you, but you choose to leave me behind,
The captain save a hoe routine was just a few to hours late,
People like me getting hurt is not unusual, 'cause it's my fate,
I was disrespected by one, & felt betrayed by two,
Had expectations for only one, & you know that one was you,
No point in finding reason, because I'm sure you will just say you were faded,
The whole thing was my fault, it was just one of the nights I knew I should have stayed in.

What Do I Want.

2010-02-01T02:05:00.000-08:00

Intimidated by the intelligent, & disgusted by the uneducated.
Attracted to the ones with guns, & turned off by the ones with no hands.

What's your hood name? What's your GPA?
How much weight do you push daily? Where are you employed?

Do I want the "The" 'z , or the "Da" 'z ?
"Good morning beautiful." , or "Sup sexy."
"Can I touch you there?" , or "Get naked."
"Can I take you out to dinner?." or "You tryna get faded 3night?"

You'd think what I wanted was obvious. It's not though.
I know, I'm sad. You just don't get it.
Well, g'night.

BeCareful.

2010-01-29T14:46:00.000-08:00

You never know which friendship is stronger. What the mutual people in your life say about you when your not there. Even it's out of random conversation, & not just shit talking, you'll never know. They won't let you know when you look stupid when your all together, because your not that important to them. It's about what they know, & you don't. That's what keeps the cycle going. If I wasn't so afraid of being alone, I would dismiss you all. I need this entertainment though, even if I'm the one dancing.

Impossible.

2010-01-29T01:38:00.001-08:00

It would be so nice to find one of these. All I've encountered are the one nighters. The one's that even when I wake up in their arms the next day, my worth seemingly faded away with the alcohol. Today I asked him why he was making me feel so worthless. He responded a lil' something like, "Your not worthless, just useless." & I still love him, so I told him. I also told him he loved me to. Accordingly, he loves my head. Personal problem much? It's insane, it's wild, stupid wild, super stupid wild. Mhmm.

& here are the randoms.I'm wide awake, but I keep yawning & parts of my body are asleep. I started a new book 30 minutes ago, it's pretty good. School shopping soon. My grandmother gets more bothersome daily. I can't wait 'till I'm stressed over school, oppose to her. Diet & exercise is on my to do list. Once I get right, I think I want to be a pornstar. Feedback?

These late night stay-ups are fucking me over, but that's when I get my blog on. So you love it? You love me? Aww thanks, I knew you'd come around. I just had to be thirsty enough. Publicly displaying my self demeaning ways in hopes that someone will check me, probably isn't the best approach. But it's all I have.

K'Night.

In My Bed.

2010-01-28T01:40:00.000-08:00

Every night, well morning, before I go to sleep I have the largest battle with myself. My thoughts race & my heart starts beating extremely fast. I imagine a conversation, with the person I've imagined laying next to me. Then I have back to back convulsions of the worst feeling ever. You know when you know that you did something wrong, or forgot something, but can't remember what it is? & there is just a shitload of uncomfortable emotion laying on top of you. Mhmm, that one. That's what kills me the most. Now add that with the racing thoughts, unsteady heartbeat, & imaginary friend of mine saying lovely nothings right next to me, & that's the battle. Different day, different thoughts of course. Same uncertainty of what it is exactly that's wrong, just knowing that there definitely is. & then I have some awkward sexual dream, & wake. I hate how you never remember when it is exactly that you fall asleep. I've figured it's as close to a heart attack as I've ever gotten. I'm sure these Newports will take me closer soon enough.

Hmph. Well, I guess I'll listen to some more music & keep smelling good. (I just got out of the shower, & you'd so sex me if you were here.) Yawmp. 'Night.

& I Refuse...

2010-01-27T02:09:00.000-08:00

To let these people get the best of me.
Why the fuck should they get that, when I myself don't?

Take This Survey.

2010-01-26T03:13:00.000-08:00

I wish I could sleep at night, I really do.
I wish my neck didn't feel so cramp'd up.
I wish I would've never trusted anybody.
I wish people wouldn't talk about me so surely.
I wish people cared.

I don't understand how people don't care.
I don't understand how people have no sympathy towards situations.
I don't understand how I became so distant from my original self.
I don't understand anything.

Why do I love the ones that hurt me the most?
Why do I have so many feelings?
Why do I set unrealistic goals?
Why do I love the taste of pain?

When did I lose everything?
When did it all become a blur?
When will it start, & when will it end?

Will it?
Will I?
Will he?
Will we?
Will she disappear?
Will my past erase?
Will I still want you?

Do I even want you right now?

How can one man find me so beautiful, but want me under heartbreaking circumstances?
How can one boy not care to look me in the eye & say words written in his own blood?
How can one girl believe that any of this is real?

I want grants for my wishes.
I want to understand every one's intentions, & be able to forgive them if they're cruel.
Is there anyone who can tell me why, when, or will?

........ well?

2:39 am.

2010-01-22T02:31:00.000-08:00

I used to wish the days were longer because I wanted more of everything & everyone around me. & now I try to make the day disappear by sleeping & spend my nights wishing I could do the same. Nobody will ever understand what my life is & has been like. Even if all of my "friends" gathered together, & pieced together the different stories & versions they all know, not one person would fully be able to understand. Everyone chooses to be in my life at different moments, & I choose to pursue the attention randomly. School is starting in about 2weeks, holla. I still need a job. It's time to get some shit together, & stop fckin' with all of you. Maybe just maybe, surround myself with people doing something for themselves the right way. & maybe meet a man, not a nigga. Scratch that, I'm tired of penis, where are the pretty bitches at? I'm a mess, yeah? Lol. You right, might have some up & coming news. Need to be certain, positive if you must.

'Night&Mornin'.

So.

2010-01-15T21:22:00.001-08:00

Nigga'z are really still blogg'n & shit? Hmm.

It's 2010, btw.

2010-01-06T00:27:00.001-08:00

It's Love.

2009-12-11T23:53:00.001-08:00

I didn't feel like this an hour ago,
I was overlooking my fast thoughts, but now they're moving slow,
Maybe it's the re-occurrence of the thoughts that has me second guessing,
Or is this some will power game, that human nature itself is testing,
You see,
I don't need you, but I'm willing to give you all of me,
Your undeserving of my touch, but when I'm chained to you I'm free,
Now you've violently broke lose, I'm on the cold floor with bloodstained & broken chains,
It's when I really cannot move, weighed down by this self inflicted pain.

Your infectious,
Find your way into all of my open sores,
Your direction,
Is questionable, leading me to nothing but locked doors.

Aren't men beautiful souls?

Both Sides.

2009-12-11T15:01:00.000-08:00

Feelings are so crazy, so so sooo crazy. Your either the one leading on, or the one being led on. Then you get the chance to see the leader leading the vulnerable one on, maybe not even intentionally... & you think to yourself, was that really once me? Whichever side applies.

I Know.

2009-12-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

That this is not ok. That even though it's hard for me to stay a changed woman with things & people like these around me daily, that I'm still going to be ok. My support team is everlasting. You'd be surprised, I was. I know that I'm ok & that I'm excited for my future. That one day, I'll meet somebody, under the right circumstances, without the crazy shit, without the meaningless shit. That I will be appreciated for the beauty inside me, not how it feels inside me & on top of me. Something's got to give ya know? I don't know when it's coming, but it's coming. My happiness isn't getting released on Thursday, a boy is. & my life will continue to go on unhappily if I think thats going to change anything. I'm staying away, 'cause thats what needs to be done for me. Goodluck with life, I'd still like to be your friend, possibly the best you've ever had (no drake, no beggin 'till ya get it). Ha'. We'll see, but first I'm pulling myself together.

What's Next.

2009-12-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

There was extra smoke in the air while I was smoking outside tonight. It's December, it's cold. I'd say it's sweater season, but it's always sweater season. He's coming back very very shortly. This is crazy, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself. Most likely it will go a lil' something like, drunken confessions followed up by meaningless sex & then back to the way things were, nothing. Who knows, none of it's in my hands.

I need a job to keep me occupied.

At This Point In Time.

2009-12-01T00:26:00.000-08:00

I would have expected to feel some sort of regret. & I don't, not one bit. I'm content. It's a good feeling, maybe not good... but it's not a feeling at all. This is what I've needed. This whole not giving a fuck about anybody thing is really working out for me. I preached it long enough, & now I'm living it.

Only thing I'm upset about is my downloads not being zip files & not being able to put them in itunes. Self, self, self. Ohwie. Sleep, & hopefully she finishes off my hair tomorrow. That would be, just perfect.

"Thank you, thank you, thankyou. Your far to kind."

2009-11-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

There's a difference between circles, & victory laps.
Womp, bye.

Clap On, Bitch.

2009-11-30T16:00:00.001-08:00

I deserve the applause, it's long overdue. I'm not going to defend all of your wrong point of views. & yes they are point of views, but they are still wrong. I'm the only one who can actually state that because they're about me. YOU lost sight of what I was even angry about, & rampaged onto 'bullshit, bullshit, bullshit'. Sound familiar? Hmm, & 'how upset you get in a situation like this' , the whole being upset part is over babygirl. That's been long gone, all I wanted was to make it clear that there was no point in continuing on with the friendship we did have. & your right it wasn't much, & it was my choice. A very wise decision on my part, if I do say.

I'm saddened to know that you don't consider things serious, seems like another common denominator on your part. & see, don't you see my love, you saw it coming to!? :) How wonderful. 'Whattt the heckk are you talking about????' , doesn't seem like quite the reaction you'd get out of someone expecting or seeing anything coming at all. You like to live in a fantasy world, pretend that your better than. & I see that completely through your last post. You've done just as many inconsistent things as I have boo, I just happen to not pretend they never happened. I can laugh at myself, I'm comfortable with who I am. I don't shutdown in arguments with attitude bitch fits, I continue on if I feel I'm right. I admit when I'm wrong. All of my friends are aware of what I choose to do & when I do it, I don't hide it. I'm not scared of their reactions. I am myself, & I accept that. I do my best to better myself, but shit gets rough. I deal with it. I fuck things up when I choose to let people like you in on much of anything.

I asked you for a fucking ride home, & before that to braid my hair. That sounds like a little bit of needing. Yes a little bit, I didn't ask you for anything else. & guess what, neither of those things you were able to help me with. So thank you. Like I said before, you did extra shit. Extra, extra shit, that wasn't needed. The situation was long gone, but was still being talked about on your part, then they took it upon themselves to continue the talking. Your sense of judgement must have been slightly off or something.

That's all really.
Keep the applause going, it's like your begging for an encore.

Well Then, Here Is A Shout Out.

2009-11-29T01:39:00.000-08:00

It's more than what you think it is. & if for whatever reason I thought that us speaking would lead to an, "That's not what happened," or "That's not what I intended," then it wouldn't be exactly what it is. All of my 'your welcomes' can fall right in place, after your thank you'z.

However, it does take bad situations for real feelings to come out. Not that I was hiding them, but knowing things did help me not give a fuck about letting them out uncensored. The real problem lies within the fact that our entire friendship was based off of us needing each other. We struggled together if you forgot or something. A small gap in time, & then a little bit of needing on my part... & now I only hit you when I want something? Did you forget what we were? You unnecessarily said things, at unnecessary times & I know that for a fact. No way around that, so I made my way out.

As for hypocrisy, your point made no sense... so my pointed finger remains extended sweetheart. I'm always aware of what the fuck I'm doing. Even if it's not the right thing, & I never deny that. I don't live that way.

I'm going to sleep now.

A Day In The Life.

2009-11-28T22:58:00.000-08:00

My days have consisted of nothing but downloading mixtapes & knocking out murder novels. I'm healing to say the least. Trying my best to keep to myself because it's so much easier to take in the true characters of the people around me. I've honestly spoken way to many words, to entirely to many people, & it is making things a lot harder then they need to be.

I'm registered for Valley College in Spring semester, because Winter was ridiculously full & ESL classes aren't exactly what I need. Even that itself will be a test, a lot of different faces, a lot of different opinions. I'm no celebrity, but I am somebody in this fuck ass Valley. So unfortunately, things do get around & people do have questions. If they don't have questions they have opinions. If they don't have opinions, they have suspicions. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't give a fuck. As long as nobody actually bothers me face to face, they have my permission to talk all the behind my back shit they'd like. It seems like I've trailed off of my point, school. I'm ready to gets me an ejumacation cuhz. Lol, I'm sort of excited.

That's all not happening until February though, that's a little 'bit of a time gap. & waking up to my grandmothers bitterness everyday & staying inside the house is so not working out. It's not even that it's me she's upset with, she's just very mad at the world, & it's been like that for some time now. Nothing I do can change that, so I need to get out daily. I mean I can't lie, I am most comfortable here. I've tried living everywhere else, but here is where its at. I just can't be here all day, I can't just go out & party. For one, I have no money to do that... & two, that would involve being around other people. Not good for my healing process. Uhm, let's see. I need a job, that would make me feel so fckin' whole. I'm trying, I really am, but it's like super hard to get hired anywhere. All I can do is keep on trying.

For now, back to the mixtapes. Back to telling people I'll see them, when I won't. Back to my head in the books, diving into any other life except my own. Part of my healing is uhm err, distracting myself from the reality of things. At least I'm honest. Shit, whatever this is my healing process, I make the rules. Go away now.

I guess I'll go, I just wanted to leave you guys with some words worth reading, but I think I failed at what I set out to originally do... so G'night.

It's Crazy...

2009-11-28T20:08:00.000-08:00

...how I'm not always the only one.

Love Overload Lately.

2009-11-25T20:07:00.001-08:00

Between Me, You...

2009-11-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

& the rest of the people I made you promise not to tell.

Everybody knows my business, & I still don't give a fuck.
What the fck else can I do?

Maybe It's The SVU.

2009-11-19T23:54:00.000-08:00

Is it normal to think that whenever your back is turned in your house that someone is going to secretly break in & murder you in some type of crazy struggling type of way? .... && that right after that Jack McCoy & his people are going to come in & the cameras will start rolling?

I wonder how the people in my life would look on camera, what they would tell about me to help gather information about my murder. Who would it be that killed me? & if it did actually happen would they read my blog & read this, & think it was all staged? Should I delete this before I post it for my own safety?

Ohh geez. Well, while you all figure this out,
I'll be soaking in CymarshallLaw. Thnkyou.

Another Day.

2009-11-18T23:24:00.000-08:00

They're starting to feel longer than ever, sometimes the blunts help. You know, the put you to sleep so you don't have nightmares while your awake in your bed type shit. Avoids it all. Just right to sleep. Still, it sucks that I can't avoid what I see when I'm actually in a slumber & shit.

Wooosh. & oh my does my body hurt. It really, truly throbs. Everywhere. Have you ever had that kind of pain? How could something so mental shake you everywhere. Thoughts really do get heavy when you carry them around for to long. It hasn't even been that long though, ehh I'm a lightweight I guess. Tappin' out way to early like always. Deal with it Jessica. Jessica, jessica, jessica. That is my name. I mean I go by every thing else but that is my name. No matter how many people in the world share the same boring ass shit, it's my first. Go by it now? Hell nah. I mean there's the few that have always called me it, but saying that my name will change anything that has fallen apart in my life is kind of ridiculous.

I thought that I was going to sign on here & have so much to say, that's how it always goes... right bloggers? Lol. We blog in our heads, then get to the computer & ain't got shieettt. Well, in this case... uhm. Maybe I can't write here because tonight is the night that I need to gather my shit up & give this nigga a courtesy letter. Not on some "do him a favor" type shit, but on a "just so you know", but still not tell. Say the basics, & basically I know he's going to be done. If he ever really started. How the fck would I know. I'm a young ass, dumb ass, vulnerable ass, broken little girl. At least I don't cry out loud anymore.

The mailman used to make me happy. Things have definitely changed. It's going to be the most annoying thing ever, waiting for a response. A response to nothing, 'cause this isn't something you talk about via postman. Face to face, so I guess I'm just saying... we need to talk. Yeah, maybe I can just say those four words & sign my name. Sound promising?

We'll see, shit I might not even write anymore, I'm wasting my energy here.

Newport Break & then we'll see, 'night.

The Count Down That Doesn't Even Count Anymore.

2009-11-17T00:33:00.001-08:00

2Months.

For The _ _ '_ In The Building.

2009-11-17T00:12:00.000-08:00

"Chill out its not that serious.. i thought when we spoke we had an understanding."

Yes. I thought we did to. Unfortunately I thought the hours after the understanding somehow canceled out what we tried to end things as. Obviously I was wrong, & I apologize for letting you know any more about myself then you didn't already know from another one of my "friends". All ya'll niggaz are just as sus & fcked up as me, so we're equal... yes EQUAL. It might not have taken just a few times for you to get to my level, but all your points are spread throughout the year & they add the fuck up.

I am so tired of life. I am so fcking tired of thinking that you understand somebody, & it turns out you had no clue about them at all. I haven't always been this person. In fact, fck it WHAT PERSON? I'm fine. When I get mad I talk my shit, & mean my shit, so if you don't like it then it really is best things are like this.

I can't start anything over at all, & I don't want to. You, & you, & you, & you, can all have each other. You deserve eachother. None of you guys can keep your mouth shut anyways, just like me... so do your thing 'cause I sure & the fck will continue to do mine.

It's as simple as using you for what I need, & it's usually just to get to something better anyway.

There were few tears fallen over this, but they did fall slowly...

"After School Special."

2009-11-16T03:01:00.000-08:00

The three words that were used to describe my life, straight out of my mothers mouth.
Yes, she is the motivation behind most of my angry writings, angry feelings...

BUT never in my life have I come across anyone that could relate to me better. Maybe it's that her story is my story, domino effect. That's just how shit works right?...Your dads tall, you have height. It gets a lil' bit more confusing when your thick with curly hair & almond eyes busting out of a pure white, tall , slender, bluieshgreenish eyed woman.

Fck the physical shit though. I'm talking about men. I'm talking about drugs. I'm talking about nicotine. I'm talking about the ability to write our asses off but stuck with jobs (if at all) using us for everything EXCEPT what we're worth. The need for attention, the desire to be loved. The feeling of being let down by everything that is supposed to be holding us up. Our relationships with our mothers. Our relationships with ourselves. The way we let money change everything, in the shortest amounts of time.

She may not be the best mother in town, but she is the most amazing woman I know. She is the only one that knows everything, & always has been... even when she thought there was more to the story. As of right now I'm sure she wishes that that was once again the case,

I can't say I don't know what I'd do without my mother, because I've been there time & time again... whether it was my choice or not. What I can say though is that my love for her is eternal, even when it's only internal. It's so hard for outsiders to get it, to understand how my emotions can be so fckin' bipolar. It doesn't matter though, it's soooo not about you fckin people.

You all did this to me... you tricked me. I shouldn't have ever trusted any of you, the position that I'm in right now is so off the map. I'd like to start running again, but that wouldn't do anything. I have once again permanently scarred myself. My arm doesn't have much more room, & my legs are to damn nice to be fcked with.

G'night.

In Due Time.

2009-11-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

I will be back, maybe, uhh...might.
It's journal time, pen to paper love.
No time, or access for this in this type of me mind state.

When the me that writes on here comes around,
she'll be able to say a lil' something... but for now ya know, bye.

H E L P .

It's Jst The Beggining.

2009-11-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's jst the fact that on the night we first experienced eachother, the clocks were set back.
I'm intrigued, to say the least.

Jst Some Shit, Like Uhh. "x. :)

2009-10-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

Best Video, Ever.

2009-10-22T15:13:00.001-07:00

GO WATCH, NOW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYUfl7T6Vjk

Ahh Shit.

2009-10-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

&& violets are blue, roses are red;
Daisies are yellow, the flowers are dead;
Wish I can give you this feeling... that I feel like buying;
&& if my dealer don't have no more, then...
I feel like dying...

-Wayne.

I guess.

2009-10-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

Smile bitch,
Things could be worse.

Truth Be Told...

2009-10-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

If I would've just dealt with all the bullshit that came my way, instead of running away, I would have had a decent life. I just had to go & fuck everything up again, this is by far the worst its ever gotten. All I want to do is run, & there's nowhere left to go.

I'm broke, I have no respect for my body... whether its what I put inside myself, or who. I honestly just want to be loved... cared about on some real shit. Anything I've ever had, wasn't real & I knew it the entire time. Ain't that some shit my nigga? Like never have I ever even thought I was getting something real, but I still played that part. Whatever it takes to get that meaningless attention for that meaningless fucking moment.

I want to be happy.

I Have Nice Teeth.

2009-10-18T16:17:00.001-07:00

Babe, Baby, Sweety, Butterflies, & Entertainment.

2009-10-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

"Maybe it's just nothin' at all... I guess it's what we make it."

Not What I Was Expecting.

2009-10-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

It's all good though, I needed that. 'Cause it's better to know the real, or the chances of it all now. Oppose to, ahhh. It still sucks though, it hurts. Why say things that you don't mean? There are so many things to figure out, but ME is coming first.

I fell off, I forgot who & what I was living for... I was letting sweet nothings give me life. What this is going to become, is not a negative thing... but it will never be that fairytale shit that I was so stuck on believing in.

Back to the real, back to the money.

See you soon bby,
3Months.

The Two Out Of Three...

2009-10-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

...That have my HEART.
It's no longer to early to speak on,
&it's no longer a matter of me being to shy to speak on.
But these liddo ones are jst the brothers 'cause they are accessible.

He isn't but,
My oh my when he is, he has it.
He gets it, tell ya why on a later date?

As of right now I'm going to go clean my tongue,
& uhh finish this book,
& uhh write this mr.,
&uhh eat smthing sweet,
&uhh sleep & dream & float.

sweetones mthrfckrz :)

& Now It's Swelling.

2009-10-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

What a fckin day I must say. I've literally been writing checks that my ass cannot cash, & wellsfargo & this whole 35dollarfee everyfckintime I do it shit, has got to stop. Anyway, I just got home from work... yes just now. & guess what time I got off at, 9;15. Life on the bus is so not poppn' my nigga, but the situations you get yourself into on the way there are so lifechanging, ahah.

When I clock'd out, I went to Vons & got myself a chickensalad & a dr.pepper, pushed to the bus stop on my lovely bike & posted up while I ate. The bus starts coming so I throw everything into my purse & pick my heavy as bike up so I can place it on the front of the bus. After I get on I'm feeling alright until I feel something wet soaking itself into my jeans...why of course, my dumb ass didn't close the top of the dr.pepper so that's how that happened. Then as I'm pouring everything out of my bag to clean it with random newspapers I found on the seat next to me, the bus comes to a superbrakestop && all my shit falls over, -_-... annnnooyyiinngg, rightt? Then after I'm situated, moved, & all dry, I try to drift off into a sleep only to be told that the bus was at its last stop... how does this make sense? This bus is supposed to drop me in downtown but this is glendale my nigg? Ohh really, thats how this bus runs at night? Good to know sir. Hmm, thnks fckin metro, thnks.

So now I'm lost as fck sitting on a corner tlking to an old bum named Mark who lives in the back of this van & works for some "Armenians who think they're fcking gangstars", doing construction. He tells me how to get home on the buses that are running, & then we both decide it would be best If I walked into the tattoo shop across the street & go get my tongue pierced, I mean it was just staring at me. I go in, & these high ass funny ass guys have me flicking my tongue up & down for about a minute & a half before I realized it was not really necessary in order to determine whether or not my tongue was peaceable, mexicans ..smh. Lmao, punk'd much? Ohh & there was a stankblackassbitch in there like staring at me so fcking rude, she's lucky I'm scary & can't fight or else, ya knoww. Haha. Well he pierced it & it didn't really hurt, but uhh its kinda rlly throbbing right now. I tried to eat some choclate, & now its swelling.

I'm at the grndmotherz casa now, kinda hungry... but not bold enough to eat, ice for now. Tmmrw lets see how things go? A lil' bit of jobhunting so that long ass escapades like this stop? Or mybe jst go out to the club & get super fcked up, 'cause thats what lifes about, right?...

Oh & by the way, that last "rightt?" , was one of the "righht?"'z, where if you don't agree with what I'm saying its best to jst like, not reply or answer. Let me live my life mutherfckaa'z.

Sweetone'z ;)

Thought I'd Stop By.

2009-09-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

& say that I'm alive, for what its worth. I had so many things to say, so fckin' many ways that I was planning on trying to give a clear picture of whats been going on with me. 'cause even though there isn't one, I'm always able to put it down or into words. But not today, no no no no. Give a try though?

Uhh. Shits all fcked up, that's the usual though. I'm happy? Falling out of friendships, falling into relations. Testing myself, which is testing other peoples nerves... but you know what? Well uhh, drawbacks. Pretty much here is the gist of it all - uhm... within in a matter of days I managed to let the title of being a woman slip all the way to the very edge of my fingertips & slap a few across the face at the same time; then proceed to mend things, just so I could break them; trust the wrong, then taste, chew, & swallow their truth; move on while regretting at the same time; lie, which made the truth more dramatic; & never ever feel the same about anything or any one again.

I'm free though. & very much womanly, more importantly independently me. Still, my outlook is so defined... because I refuse to take one more fckin' step forward confused, or push myself backwards without a legit reason.

See you tmmrw blogg, are you excited that you get to watch me reconstruct myself?
Let's do this.

Daddy, ;)

2009-09-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

4Months.

"I'm On My Shiiii."

2009-08-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

I've been doing just about everything that I need to do, && way fucking more. Pardon my absences, only the unintentional ones. I know you miss me. I mean c'mon now, I'm fucking Schrody. Anywhooo...

5 Months. <3.

Unofficial.

2009-08-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

My unofficial everything, that's just what you are,
&& your the one that's driving so we never go far,
But if I was in your position, the title that we're missing,
Would be just where it needs to be, you know who you are;

Don't think I've ever met somebody quite like you,
&& they wouldn't call this friendship if they knew what we do,
So since they're unaware, we play the dumb role to,
It's like I know you want me, && you know I want you,
&& then the wanting turns to touching, the touching turns to kissing,
Eventually realization that its you that I've been missing,
Now its you I feel I'm needing,
&& my heart begins it's bleeding,
But I never open up, so I know your never seeing,
Got me talking to myself, asking if you feel the same,
It's apparent that we're driving, but not in the same lane,
Got me hoping, got me praying that this isn't just a game,
My insecurities are screaming that I'm just another dame,
Maybe you consider me a dime, but there's a hundred thousand in a million,
When it comes to being unofficial I'm outnumbered, can you feel it?

Steady waiting on you.

25 Things That Bother Me.

2009-08-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

1. Splitting tips at the end of the night when I was the one who made about 93 percent of them.
2. People who come into an ice cream shop && order fucking smoothies.
3. When any type of website I visit is doing maintenance, like I don't have time for all that.
4. The fact that one of my dogs reeks from being sprayed by a skunk, && is not being forced to live outside the house. I know for a fact that if I was sprayed by a skunk I would not be allowed inside, so wtf.
5. When its 5 minutes to closing && people have the nerve to bring their entire families in && ordered extra'd out ice creams.
6. When extremely obese people have the nerve to order quarts of ice cream && walk out eating it as if its in a cup.
7. Taking to Reesa on the phone && having no idea what she's saying because her phone never has service.
8. When people stay in terrible relationships, && lose their genuine friendships in the process.
9. How jobs drug test people for marijuana when there is not that many people who don't smoke tree. It doesn't effect how you perform your daily needed tasks so why the hell does it matter?
10. When people claim to have started anything at all. It's 2009, do you know what that means? No that doesn't mean that skinnyjeans&&jerkin' needs to fall back, it means that for two thousand && nine fucking years people have been alive. It has ALL already been done, nothing you do is different, nothing you say is anything except recycled. So please, shut the fuck upp.
11. When people don't know how to not give a fuck.
12. When people take advantage of my Fiance's kindness, all these hoe'z on her dick, let her be.
13. Hating on the newboyz. I think that they might be on television && getting paid, so match thatt lil souljahboyz.
14. When people swear they know me, when they don't have a clue what the hell I'm doing on a daily.
15. When women need men.
16. When men need women.
17. When I need that ; that being a variety of unnecessary things.
18. The fact that the United States Postal service takes entirely to long to receive && deliver messages.
19. The fact that I've become so used to the internet that I consider 3 days back && forth entirely to long.
20. That I put "the fact that" in front of damn near everything I say, even if it's very much opinion.
21. Korean people in power.
22. Girls who are mean to other girls at parties/kickbacks just because they look like sluts, like honestly I love mingling with everyone, sluts are people to.
23. People blaming things on being faded, some sober part of you wanted it && you know this.
24. When boys are going from being kids to teenagers, they're not fun to be around at all.
25. When I'm like a day or so away from menstruating so I write lists of things that urk the fuck out of me.

TheEnd.

Kristianna Laroda.

2009-08-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

My future buhbuhbabbyy,
My future fcking ladyy,
I love this girl like crazyy,
Got me buzzin' like Shwayze,
Ok so today you turned 19 years old,
&& the story of our friendship has already been told,
But I'll tell it all again like 1, 2, 3,
Remember back in the day when you hated me?
When all I did was study, && tell on people in class,
When you tanner && oshea used to roast on my ass?
&& even Brie was mean to me && she was the homiie,
You guys made my middle school years feel so lonely,
But one movie night chillin' at osheas crib,
We was discussing sheabrea && her big ass lips,
&& I made a joke,
&& you started to choke,
From laughing so hard, I was now part of ya'llz folk,
Ben&&Jerryz, ice ice cream,
There were no more days of you guys being mean,
Our friendship slate wiped cleaan,
It's growing like green,
Now were super close && were on the same team,
I love you Kristianna, get drunk && go crazy,
Don't fck to many hoes cause you know your my ladyy,
You deserve the world, && today you can have it,
&& when you get home in a few days, you know I get to tap it ;]]]

(:

18.

2009-08-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's my date of birth.

-Getting tested for drugs.

-Walking up a fucking hill.

-Sleeping 'till I have to walk down the hill.

-Clocking in for work for the whole nighttt.

All grown up?

The Best Schrody Ever Had.

2009-08-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

You know alot of girls be thinkin' my blogz are about them but, this is not to get confused, this one'z for you ;

Chikk you're my everything,
You're all I've ever wanted,
You gon' do it real big, bigger than I've ever done it,
You'll be up on everything, niggaz gonna stay up on it,
But they won't forever 'cause they'll see that I'ma stayy up on it,
'Cause you solve my problems, every time I hit you up,
When you get right you told me that we gon' live it up,
Put me in rehab, I'll get clean I promisee,
But you say the same thing every single time;

You say I'm annoying, you say I'm annoying, you say I'm annoying , you say I'm annoying,
&& then the fact that, && then the fact ,&& then the fact that, you say I'ma -

Know you stay w'your momma, I don't really even care,
'Cause I'ma get in good w'her so she can just do my hair,
(Yeupp) so she can do my hair, ohh, so she can do my hair,
Make it look like I got crop, when we both know it's nothing there,
&& you ain't never gotta call twice,
I stay pickin up the phone, just don't call late at night,
Always thought you was the type to stay calm && be real nice,
'Till you got real w'me && it really changed up my lifee,
Dance tights, church choirs, niggas get they hatin' on,
They mad they dont look like you, when you be wearin' a thongthongthong,
You don't even trip when friends say why you w'the 18yearold,
You know that I'm mature, && that you yourself ain't really groooooown,
&& your the shoelaces up in my shoes,
Preventin' me from fallin when I'm racin' so I don't losee,
&& if its capable of being done, then you did it,
&& if you wanna do some shit you know I'm w'it... 'cause,

Chikk you are my everything. :]]

"I love you all."

2009-08-10T21:09:00.001-07:00

"It's not technology, it's tricknology. You all will see, it doesn't work half of the time."
"We are niggers, we are mexicans. We are here. I am both, fuck everybody."
"Obama is the President, but Michelle is the ruler."

*People on the trains that smell the worst,

know more than the best of the best.

Realization Of The Day.

2009-08-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

I won't even let myself go into major details about my weekend, just know it was bomb. In the best && worst ways, but I enjoyed myself. Things worked out how they were supposed to ( even though they didn't have to), I received information that made me get my stupid smile back on ( all praises to the postscripts), && then today specifically I really feel like I learned something....

If you know me in person, not through the internet only, you know that I'm not in shape, at alll. According to all the medical && technical shit for my age group && height I'm actually obese. I think it really is an over exaggeration but it doesn't change the fact that the word itself does not make me feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm not ok with my size, so I've been trying to work on it. && if I haven't been trying to work on it, I've been forced to work on it walking up && down this hill that I fcking live on....

Anyways, three entirely different people said something to me about my appearance today, && up until the last one I was letting myself get happy that other people were noticing change in me. The first to say something was of course my grandmother... "Jessica your looking smaller around the waist, you must be wearing a girdle..." ... coming from my grandmother, this was a compliment, lmao... && no I was not wearing a girdle -_- .

Fast forward into my day, I'm sitting talking w'Covin... "Okkkk schrody, so what're you doing to drop pounds?" .. throwing me off because not only was I wearing jeans, but I was also wearing a shirt. && just like I stated before, if you know me, then I honestly don't do anything but sweaters &&& all that good insecure shit, but yeahh. Lol.

At that point I really kind of smiled to myself like, ehrm maybe progress really is being made for two things to have been said to me regarding the same thing, in the same day. This is when about an hour later Covin's mom, who hadn't heard any previous conversation, asks me this... "Jessica, are you getting fatter?" She was dead serious to, like I mean uhmm, how does a person even respond to something like that? Was that a rhetorical question? Did that accidentally slip out of your mind through your mouth && slap me right across the face like that?

&& then, at this point, I wasn't not happy, but I was on some like amber alert insecurity modee shit; the uncomfortable body movement, the looking at myself in the mirror, the wishing of there being some type of sweater to be there to bounce those words right back off of me && back at her type shits....

Regardless of how I appeared to myself this morning when I woke up && got dressed, I allowed the positive && negative things to affect the way that I felt momentarily. But that wasn't even really what I learned... it's the plain && simple fact that just because one person sees you one way, does not mean any one else does. Peoples opinions vary like fucking beans in a bag of jelly ( you know what I mean)... so I really need to take some major time to myself, && find out what I want, && how I feel, && base my joy or sadness, whether its temporary or not, off of the questions that I ask myself. That's all reallyy.

Goodnightt my lovely followers,

G'nightt all 90 of you motherfckers that could give a fuck what I write.

&& to the 34.7 percent of you who followed me soley because I followed you or something, jst unsubscribe now please?

'Cause I'm tired of reading your shit too, && I don't want anyone butthurt over the whole why am I missing one follower named schrody type shit.

Ohh lemme stop, I'ma having a I sound like a teenager in the valley who thinks they're famous type moment

Lol, I lovemyfatlittleself, I'm fcking entertaining <3.

Facebook IM.

2009-08-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

Ree : and ive never seen hostel but im watching hostel 2 and its quite disturbing

Me: && i cant watch that shit its to bloody && just weird.
Like why the fck do people make && watch that shit?

Ree: haha. for the same reason people wear thong underwear.

Me: -__________-
Im SO annoyed that you put those two in the same category.

Ree: hahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha

Me: No I don't want to be your friend anymore, bye.

&& that's how our sisterhood ended.

Love Unmasked.

2009-08-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

Trying to figure what it is she really expects,
From these men, when the last one is no better then the next,
Moving on for her isn't always as easy as it seems,
Because the men she chooses to love are never really as they seem....

I need to get out of here, quickly.

&& It All Falls Into Place.

2009-08-03T23:49:00.001-07:00

Here goes my SchrodyTrainOfThought:

Things are going pretty good for me. I'm employed, I'm happy, && I have an amazing foursome friendship thing going on right now. I think I like the fact that they aren't all tied together either. Establishing separate friendships is what I needed , the whole group thing just wasn't my swingg. An activated phone that I can text&&speak on is in my very near future. I opened a bank account today. I called my grandmother && had a good happy decent conversation. Her birthday is Sunday. Sunday I hope I don't work because Reesa && others are attending HurricaneHarbor && Reese is taking me for my birthday. My birthday is on the 12th. I'm turning 18. I already have bad credit. Tmobile&&Fafsa are after me. My life is a joke. Lmao. Ehh, I've come out of the clouds about my boycrush, but I'm still floating && that's ok with me. If the only thing that keeps me happy is what was && what could be, then I should be able to hold on to it. It doesn't hurt to hold onto right now. Chikk changed my life, for the better. I'm cooler than everybody reading this because Chikk is my friend, not yours. That was a 17year old tendency, but I still pull 20year old friends, for life. Lmao, she understands. I wrote another letter, I hope it makes him smile even if I don't get one back. I want to have sex, but I won't be any time soon, if ever again. I do want a baby though, I'm considering stealing one. I might get a bike for my birthday, not better than a baby but... beach cruiser yay for Mom&&Mark being great. Boo for Mom&&Mark being annoying. Womp for my brother Donovan being dramatic && angry, && an Oh Lord for my brother Aaron being to emotional && Christian. This is turning out longer than I expected it to be. Did you expect it to be this long? I'm sure since your seeing it as a whole && I see it only as small pieces that I'm putting together. I keep getting bitten at night. Can humans have fleas? I'm serious. Probably just the spiders, maybe I should close my window when I go to sleep. The fact that nobody even reads eachothers blogs because we've all become so focused on what were saying we get stuck reading our own shit, I'm being honest. I read like Ree&&Chikk'z blog, && like I'm sure they're the only ones reading my shit. I think I'll listen to some music smoke a cigarette && go to sleep now.

G'Night.

We're Just Friends, Right?

2009-08-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Just Fucking - E40 ; Found it on my ipod today, made me laugh.
On repeat now, sheeeessh. Lmao.

"Take your foot off the gas, I thought we had an arrangement,
You missin' the point, it ain't gon' be no engagement,
You need to play your position, or you out of the game,
You testin' my mackin', you out of yo' range,
We just fuck-buddies, I'm just stickin && bonin' ya,
Get somewhere with that dumb shit, stick to the formula..."

They've Been In My Ears.

2009-08-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah buddy.

You'll Figure It Out.

2009-08-02T22:24:00.001-07:00

Your mind on him.
Your mind on her.
Your mind on the best type of drugs.
Your mind on Jessica && or Schrody.

It's The Truth.

'09 'Till Infinity.

2009-07-30T15:50:00.001-07:00

Yo wssup its ya girl schrody, && im in the booth chillin w'my fiance' bradyy && ehh, alotta niggaz be actin like its terrible out here in theV, stressin out about shitt its just like why? So we thought we'd take some time && we're jst gonna update you on how we jst chillin;

I ain't got no digitz,
Ran out of minutes,
But If I know about a function you know I'm still w'it,
Still find a way to hit my man up, he's on deck,
&& you know he got the kush, 'cause we don't smoke stress,
We're in the valley, west coast its caaliii,
We gets loose like dogs in l.a.cityy alleyz,
&& in order to get by, you gotta hop gates,
The cops be coming for all my niggaz pushin weight &&...

&& at this point aminah decided she didn't want to do this anymore. Lol, && I stopped writing, && she never wrote a damn thing. We're still tight.

All I Need In This Life Of Sin.

2009-07-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

They're mine.

To late to hop on this bandwagon...

...&& if you thought you were on.

I def. threw you off.

Ilovethem.

Built Back Up.

2009-07-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

&& things burn down so quickly. Setting fires && burning bridges w'my tongue, unintentionally. Don't get to close to me now. 'Night.

My Lisp.

2009-07-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

I enjoy the way people w'lisps sound. In the 5th grade I used to stretch out paper clips, && fit them onto && across my teeth. Then I'd flatten gum at the top of my mouth because I thought I sounded intelligent, && it made me feel smart. You'd think that it was those years that I would've been far from the honor roll, but PreK-9th yaa' girl was straight AEE. But when I put down the paper clips && started poppin' more than just gum, everything kind of got mixed up. I want my lisp back.

15. Min.

2009-07-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

15 minutes until the parental controls on this computer will sign me off && I'll be forced to live it up w'my insomnia alone in my room. Ohhwee. I'm naturally high && excited over a bunch of nothing right now, hoping my come down isn't anytime soon. The simplest things, the simplest things. Being able to entertain myself w'thoughts of just about everything has to be something special. Is this all real though? I'm referring specifically to the happiness... 'cause I could be lying to myself, but I really don't know. I must be a terrific liar. 'Nightt.

I Miss Them.

2009-07-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Once Again.

2009-07-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

I'm the same person that I thought I was way past being. && it took you showing your true friendship qualities to help me realize that. So I'm going to work on me, && work past you. Good luck on finding out whats wrong w'yourself so then maybe you can work on you to. Until then I guess everyone else can just fall into my now empty space, but trust it'll take more than one to come close to being me, if at all. Your pretty good at not noticing though, so I'm sure you'll be fine. && stupidly, I'll always be here for you when you need someone to understand you. I mean honestly no one else can, at least like I do. I love you.

Gave Me Goosie'z. "/.

2009-07-26T16:42:00.001-07:00

Damn.

As Of Right Now.

2009-07-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

I've painted such an unrealistic picture.
Imaginary color pastels were what I dipped my paintbrush in.
They somehow managed to still have labeling, that of course I overlooked...
..."Not waterproof."
It rained all over my today&&yesterday.
Maybe tomorrow the sun will come out.
But it's all still gone, && so am I.

I don't really know how to feel, or if I'm supposed to feel at all. I have to many problems that I create, I need to getta fckin grip man. I can't keep going so back && forth like this. I need to not care, or I need to find other things to occupy my time. I need to get a job, someone hire me now please. I need money, a phone, my own computer. I'd like to meet some really interesting boys, or girls. Both is better. I want the world. && my outer appearance is definitely something I'm working on. I don't want to be the me that I am right now for any longer. I'm taking Chikk, Luhkee, && Fee w'me to space. All that's been there, all that's needed. Bye.

Drained.

2009-07-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

Missioning from here to TheV && back again was pretty exhausting. I had decent qt with my love Luhkee. I miss her life already. Saddest thing was not being able to see my Chikk. Not having a phone is terrible, && so is screaming someones name on a corner hoping they will hear you && come outside to let you in. Oh well , beach with her soon, when she stops believing that my location is unreachable && chitt.. Woop, HurricanHarbor with the 07'SummerLovers on the 8th of August. Oh man That's a few days before I hit the big one eight. Buying tobacco on my own, && not worrying about curfew tickets is like the best thing ever. However, a macbook, a massive drop in body fat&&weight, my own apartment, clearance of my government debts, && a car && license would be cool to. But heyy, you can't always get what you want right? You have to work really hard for some shit, just to show yourself that your not going to be able to have it ever, but you do have some nice worth ethics up your sleeve. Pointless && on point at the same time. G'night bloggers.

Something Corporate.

2009-07-22T14:35:00.000-07:00

"&& you don't wanna be here in the future;
So you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past..."

Fuck Reality.

2009-07-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome Home, Jessica.

2009-07-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

Open arms && what seems like victorious smiles,
They've won, I'm back, even after all those traveled miles,
My broken pride doesn't help me stand straight && or tall,
Because regardless of my accomplishments, I didn't make it after all,
I hear how they know I need them in their voices && in their tone,
&& even though I'm now supported I can't help but feel alone...

'Night.

The Worst.

2009-07-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

The worst thing for a friendship to become is a friendship where you know if one person didn't do what they did, there would be no friendship at all. I always end up on this side.

Anyways, I'm watching the two episodes of Weeds I've missed out on these past couple of weeks. Then doing a whole lot of nothing. Today seemed pointlesss. Tomorrow will be better though; Chikkz house for workoutt && bonding, && Luhkee'z for the night. Maybe I'll post some short poem like shits later on tonight. BuhBye.

It's Enough.

2009-07-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

You haven't done much, yet it's changed my whole perception,
On relations, feelings && showing affection,
At a point where I don't even care about rejection,
Just the thought that I'm an option in your grip of selections...
...is enough for me ; hoping I'm enough for you.

This Is My Attempt At Gangster Rap. Lmao.

2009-07-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

Niggas thinking their shit new, but I've heard it before,
Tryna knock && tryna lock it, but I put up the door,
So I'ma take it off the hinges , lay it down on the floor,
&& best believe that's where you'll be at if you come back for more,
&& all these haters && these bitches tryna call me a whore,
'Cause I smashed the homie, && his homie, && his girlfriend some more,
No I ain't Danger, but I'm [rouus], If you give me like four,
Yellow glocks, that I can pop, && then I'm ready to roll,
Only half a 16, && you already love me,
You wanna celebrate my presence, so you pourin' the bubbly,
Looked down && Jesus told me that no one come above me,
Niggaz hoppin' at my feet, playing Trix, like some bunnies,
Lucky charms in my milk, for cereal ass eatin bitches,
Peanut butter puff kush, I only smoke it if its stickin,
Yo, thats schrod upon that star? Yes you see me, keep it wishin',
Berryz oranges && mangos, but if its grape you know its swishin',
We blunt cruisin to the kickback, were bout to come up on some bottles,
We get turnt, && then we turn things, we do this full throttle,
See you don't have to be an o.g. to run this shit,
Your pussy aint gotta be tight, just to suck on that dick,
Dick aint gotta be swangin just to suck on my clit,
&& your ears dont have to listen just to see I move quick,
How many lines can I kill 'em with, they like zamnzaddy somebody stop her,
Maybe shell stop if any valley fee rapping could knock her,
So I guess its never over my verse is still beatin' strong,
Its your first time hearin' my shit, && you already singing along,
Got yall niggas following me as if I said come along,
This aint a field trip bitch, you better short yellow bus your ass home,
Feeling like Dose before the knock out, cause you know I'm in the zone,
When it comes to bars I'm like Ciara, 'cause I just cant leave em alone,
Its like I cant stop writing no matter how hard I try,
Like 2pac, Ill have some new shit, even after I fckin die,
It wouldn't matter though cause you'd still be clicking "favorite" on my page,
Its a shame someone with talent like this still only makes minimum wage,
Am I stretching your ears out to much, am I like Double Zero Schrody gage?
I stay prepared, I'm already spotlight, when they say "&& Now coming to the stage...",
Lets see whats on the itinerary, up for discussion, lets debate it,
How about shit&&toilet similes in rap, I really just cant take it,
Or spittin about making it to the top, cause that position, I'm here to take it,
If you throwing money in the air, && its hitting the floor, I'm gonna rake it,
Cause flaunting ain't my thing, but getting money always has been,
Life is pitching, your getting strikeouts, your team needs Schrody battin',
But I'ma just ride my magic carpet from noho && I end up on topanga,
Light an L, bumping music, now I'm walking down Cahuenga,
Don't know how the fck I got here but I'm with some westside mooovin gangstaz,
Other niggas jerkin in theyre skinnies, sayin "cuhz", but they some wankstas...

Lol, I had to stop. I was doing wayy to much.
Whatchu thinkk? Haa'.

Addiction.

2009-07-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

"Why everything that 'posed to be bad, make me feel so good?
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would,
Man I tried to stop man, I tried the best I could,
But you make me smile, with my heart..."

Imagine That.

2009-07-18T21:20:00.001-07:00

St. Louis'z B.Day.

2009-07-17T15:20:00.001-07:00

Pinz Bowling Alley, poppn'.
(I'm excited, summer 07' all over again.)

Update.

2009-07-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a cool minute since I've sat down && actually done a real blog post. Not the pictures, && the quotes, && the one liners of how my days going, but a real post. I've just been really lazy && not feeling it. But here youu goo.

Mmm. Well today so far is pretty boring, might shower up && go job hunting along Foothill Blvd. later, but the hill to get to my house is fcking crucial. I do need the exercise though. Once I get a job, && I can start saving money I will feel a whole lot better about almost every fcking aspect of my life.

As far as school goes, I super fcked up. I mean it wasn't really my fault but I ended up not finishing either of my summer courses. On top of that the financial aid check came (that your only supposed to cash if you finish the classes), && I spent it in a matter of days. Extremely turnt up && super bonding session ish days, but none the less days. So I'm not sure how that's going to effect me ever getting shit from Fafsa again. I do plan on attending Glendale this up && coming semester though. Its really all depending on what I make happen within the next couple of months.

I've decided that my plan is to get myself a loft, on 5th && Hill st. That's my goal I guess. Rent is more money then I'm even close to having, but that's why its a goal. I'm just really ready to take care of myself, I know that means having a job && money, but its not like I'm not willing to work fcking hard, its just that no opportunity is being presented to me.

I wrote a letter to a certain someone the other day && sent it off. I'm very very anxious for the response, or maybe I'm more afraid of there not being one. I doubt that, but I've doubted a lot of things that turned out to be way to opposite. Regardless I'm smiling && happy because the thought of the up && coming future is such a nice thought.

I finally learned how to use && successfully make a twitter && face book. My twitter link is www.twitter.com/schr0dy, && I have no idea how to advertise my face book so oh well. But they're both very entertaining. I really was anti both of them for a cool minute just because of the unnecessary blowup I think they had, but sometimes you just have to give in. With face book its pretty intense && crazy how I'm seeing so many familiar faces. I never knew I knew this many people. Geez, high school && under, like wtf. Its pretty chill though.

Yesterday as pretty burnt out. Another episode of Tisha, Toya, && Kendre' saying they were coming out here && then not -_-. Ahh, I don't know why I believe them every time. I don't know why I spent 2 && a half hours on the bus in the scorching hot sun to go to the Valley, for them to not even showw upp. Shit is crazy. I really don't know how they deal with it though. I know that if my parents constantly played me the way theirs play them sometimes I would've been set the house on fire or something.

What else is there to say? I think I've run out of words. I'm just not used to this whole blogging about actual shit thing. I fell off, give me time souljahbois&&guhhz of the world. Buhbye.

Bad Photos.

2009-07-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

Butt, this is some what along the lines of what my hair looks like.
I took the photos a week or two after the cutt, so when I get a fresshh cut better ones...
...maybe?

I've adjusted, && I like it sooooooooooo...

If you don't, you can't talk shit unless you have what I did!

Doom .

2009-07-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

"You tellin me, I try to act broke?
Jealousy, the number one killer among black folk,
Fellas be under some type of spell, like crack smoke,
Ghetto cinderellas lead em right to ya stack, locc..."

Unexplainable.

2009-07-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

6Months.

Good Times.

2009-07-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

That room, that couch, that bed, that chair,
Your lips, your vibe, your hands, my hair,
My breath, your sweat, your tongue, my legs,
Your blood begins to rush, && I begin to beg,
You begin your stroking && you do it w'such ease,
So familiar && skilled w'what I have between my knees,
So you enter at the bottom && you touch me at the top,
My tears, good pain, I'm fine, don't stop,
Muscle spasms, catching cramps, so we have an intermission,
Holds me close && whispers if I'm enjoying what I have been missing,
Yes I have, but I won't need to miss out on it anymore,
Climbed aboard the ship && sailed myself out till' we hit a shore,
&& we hit rock bottom, when we went waist deep,
&& the ripples of our water, lulled us both into a sleep,
&& the mist from the storm was all over the place,
&& the temperature decreased, along with both of our hearts pace...

She's Not.

2009-07-09T03:14:00.000-07:00

"Don't be afraid to be amazing."

Boys.

2009-07-07T23:37:00.000-07:00

-Just want to sex you late at night when everybodys asleep.
-Think grabbing your ass is some sort of foreplay.
-Would fingerbang you before kissing you.
-Are fcking idiots.

&& it's seeming like the "people" that can put it down are...
... locked up or something???
Damn :/ :X ;]]

Lmao, wtf, oh mann.

2009-07-06T00:59:00.000-07:00

So when you see me in the streets just pretend you don't notice the lack of hair on my head, ...please? Yeahh, I def. just didd the fck outta thaatt.

Donovan.

2009-07-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Brother...
4 years younger && 4 years behind,
So let me up you on all the things your destined to find,
Like your father, he's not worth any of your fckin' time,
I traveled 3,000 miles to figure that out about mine,
&& our mother, well she's a hard issue to discuss,
Plain && simple, don't ever fully give her your trust,
She seems like she's changing for the better from what I'm seeing,
But she'll never fully heal she's only a human being,
No matter what, don't act like me && run && drift away,
'Cause my minds not drifting back, && now I have no place to stay,
Don't let anyone in this world force opinions in your head,
Form your own, but still keep in mind what everyone said,
Don't expect kindness or understanding from anyone you meet,
Leave room for failure 'cause your bound to get beat,
Don't let your past hold you hostage, 'cause mine has swallowed me whole,
Try to get back the innocence our lifestyle selfishly stole,
But that's enough about what I advise you to do,
Time for the overdue apology I've been owing to you,
For all the days && nights when mom didn't come home && I became a tyrant,
How I never believed you, I know I was intimidating && often causing your lying,
I didn't think you could handle freedom, but I was the one in need of structure && control,
Our yelling, screaming, && tears quickly became old,
Maybe if I wouldn't have told you something was wrong with you they wouldn't have put you in special-ed,
&& I apologize for telling the neighbors that you still wet the bed,
I know I made you feel like I loved our youngest brother more, countless amounts of times,
I pushed you so much then scrutinized you for crossing the line,
Don't get things twisted I always made sure you were ok,
Several paychecks were about you && Aaron whenever I got paid,
But emotionally I couldn't reach you, 'cause I was neglected myself,
&& the exposure to my insanity wasn't to great for your health,
Your amazing kid, the world is in the palm of your hands,
&& you seem to pull bitches like wherever you stand,
&& after everything I said && did you consider me your hero like no other,
Your outlook on life has allowed me to give the same benefit of the doubt to our mother,
Ain't shit perfect, I accept that it never will be,
I just love you, && hope you develop my mindset but don't end up like me...